Married Men and Why They Love Me

First, welcome to my blog. So...here's what happened last night. I go to see a band at a local live music venue with Kathy, one of my best friends. We've known each other since we were about 12, and have remained fast friends since then. Kathy’s not what I would call my usual partner in going-out crime (i.e. looking to meet men), as although she has a male roommate, the official story is that he is her ex-boyfriend. And while I would like to believe her (and for the most part I do), there's that nagging little elf inside my head that keeps me wondering what's really going on there.

Anyhoo, since I'm currently busting my butt bartending, I don't get out much these days, so when I do, I like to make the most of it. I like to dress nice and look my best by always wearing makeup, showing off my not-39-year-old-looking figure, and flaunting my long, blonde, wavy hair (probably my best feature aside from my smile). It's not long before we catch the attention of a group of guys at the bar directly back from the stage. Several of them are not really our type--a bit pudgy, older smokers with unflattering facial hair--but they are nice, so we chat with them about the band and whatnot. Soon, the oldest one buys us drinks, so we join their little party. Turns out three of them are brothers, and what do you know, one of them is more my type and is friendly, cute, and seems interested in me. In fact, Kathy couldn't stop saying, "Lori, he's so cute, and he really seems into you!" I said, "Did you see a wedding ring?" She said, "No, I didn't! None of them are wearing one."

And it seemed she was right...Tim was very chatty and actually looked me in the eyes when he talked to me (not around me or behind me for a better deal, as many men unfortunately do), and for the bulk of the evening, Kathy and I socialized with them. It turns out Tim is a cop in my county (works for the Sheriff's office), and he works security on weekends at one of my favorite shore bars. He said, "I hope you'll stop down and see me this weekend," and I even gave him my number. He was also a little touchy here and there, but nothing rude and nothing lingering.

During the course of the evening, he mentioned "my daughter" here and "my kids" there. No big deal; when you're in your late 30s, if you limit yourself to only dating people without kids, you're going to find yourself very much alone. My most recent ex had a daughter, so that doesn't bother me. However, towards the end of the show, Tim asked me a question and I said, "Oh, I'll tell you all about it on our first date." I noticed he sort of stopped in his tracks for a split second, and suddenly it occurred to me to come out and ask him, "Are you married?" To which he replied, in a very direct and no-nonsense fashion, "Yes." At that, my smile devolved into a hard, cold glare, so I grabbed my drink, flipped him the bird, got right into his face and said, between clenched teeth, "Don't you even THINK of calling me! Lose my number...NOW!" And I scooped up Kathy and stomped off.

This wouldn't have been that big of a deal -- after all, I didn't have anything invested in the jerk at this point -- except that married men lately seem to be gravitating toward me with the regularity of my weekly paychecks, and I don't know how to stop it. The trend seems to have started last December, when Jake, my buddy from high school, confessed he's had "feelings" for me since way back then. While it is always flattering to hear such a thing, Jake's been happily married since 1987. More recently, I dated Dan, a musician who led me to believe he was divorced, but when I pressed him, he admitted he was only "separated." My reply to that was, "Thanks, Dan, but I'm not in the habit of dating men with wives." Then there is Jimmy, a grade-school crush of mine who's now a state trooper (hmmm this could be a story for another time…”Are all cops cheats?"). I bumped into him recently at a wake, and since then, he's been shamelessly flirting with me via email, wanting me to join him at the local nude beach or at least have "a beer or ten" with him. Never mind that Jimmy also claims to be happily married: “16 years and very happy. I email a pretty good game though.” WTF?!?

There is also Alan, who is an attorney by day and owns a local live music venue by night. Alan and I used to work at the same restaurant back in 1988, when he was a bartender and I was a waitress, and I had a crush on him way back then, and he admits today that he did too, but we never acted on it. Well, now it's too late because Alan's married with two young children. Alan claims that, while his wife is very hot (I've seen her, and she is), she's not giving him sex and he's very unhappy, but is going to remain married "for the children." I told him my opinion on that (ridiculous), but meanwhile, every time I see Alan, he hints to me that he'd like to see me with, um, fewer clothes on.

My question to you: are all married men dirty dogs like this bunch? And, what did I do to encourage this? Or better yet, what can I do to discourage this?