Hi, I'm Married. Can I Call You Sometime?

I am hoping this blog doesn't turn into "How To Attract a Married Man 101,” but that’s what seems to be happening recently. The latest entry in the race to cheat on his wife comes in the form of a guy named Joe who’s a frequent guest at the restaurant where I am tending bar for the moment, until I a) write that book I keep talking about and make millions, or b) secure yet another “real job” doing marketing, which is what I’ve been trained to do, and what, in theory, constitutes my "career" (hahahahahaha that's a good one!).

There’s a bit of a backstory behind Joe. Although I'd never met him prior to 10 days ago, I’d heard of him before. Roughly five years ago, when I was living in Colorado, my friend Kim emailed me about this single guy Joe she wanted to introduce me to next time I was in Jersey. She raved about him…said he was a power boater (like her husband Danny), tall and good looking, and oh yeah, he owned a successful construction business. In other words, he has everything a woman could want (well, according to Kim).

Long story short, that meeting never panned out, but fast-forward five years, and here I am working in a restaurant located in the same Jersey Shore town as the construction business. I’m stationed at the outside beach bar, and there’s a large party of about 15 people downing cocktails like nobody’s business, ring-led by a tall bald guy with glasses. He’s a little loaded himself, but friendly and a decent tipper.

We get to chatting, and it turns out he’s Joe Of The Construction Company, so of course I had to tell him the story about how we “almost met.” He thought it was amusing, and I said, “So, are you still single?” And he said, “Nope, sorry to say…too bad we didn’t meet back then.” I said, “Oh well, story of my life.” He went on to talk about how he got married one year ago this month and is excitedly awaiting the birth of his first baby this Christmas Day.

It turns out that Joe comes into my bar quite often, so over my next few shifts I see him here and there, and he’s always very friendly and nice. Tonight was no exception. I passed by him at the hostess stand and shouted a quick hello, and he stopped me, took my hand and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, a common greeting here in NJ even if you don’t know the person too well or if you’re just casually acquainted.

Later, I bumped into him near the inside bar, and I made some small talk about when he and his wife will find out their baby's gender. I guess he quickly grew bored of that topic, as he switched gears entirely and asked, “So…can I have your cell phone number?” I glared at him and said, “Surely you’re joking. What are you talking about?” He just winked at me in response, and I said in a rather appalled tone, “Oh, Jeez, you too? You’re the second married man to hit on me this week!” and walked away in disgust.

So here’s yet another quality married guy. He not only has the nerve to request my phone number, but he does it WHILE HIS WIFE IS IN THE OTHER ROOM! Who, by the way, is PREGNANT! Again, I just have to ask…WTF?!?!?

This happens much too often for it to be me. Not only that, but I wasn’t exactly looking hot and sexy with my bartender golf shirt, khaki shorts, hair back in a bun, and makeup melting off my face.

Guys, I have to know…is it simply the thrill of the chase that instigates this kind of behavior in married men? Did he suddenly freak out one day and go, “Oh my God, I only get to stick my dick into one woman for the rest of my life…red alert! Battle stations! MUST. FIND. ANOTHER. WILLING. PUSSY. NOW.”

I’ve really gotta know. Answers, anyone?

Wow..I Met A Cool Guy. Now What?

Since I feel it's my duty as a single woman in her late 30s to not only commisserate about bad dates but parlay hope as well, here's a great nugget for which I cannot take any credit whatsoever. It's from the Denver CraigsList.org Rants and Raves section, and was originally published in March. Hats off to the guy who wrote this post, which was in response to a woman who'd seen an amazing guy across the room but lacked the moxie to initiate contact. From what I remember, I think she saw him on her daily commute.

Personally, I think initiating contact with a prospective date becomes more difficult to do as time passes, because the older we get, the more rejections we've had to endure and the less inclined we are to face yet another (i.e., we collect more baggage than a bellhop at the MGM Grand). However, this CL poster has some solid recommendations for us. I think we could all use more advice like this!

Re: Wow I met a cool guy
Reply to: anon-65202045@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-03-23, 9:25PM MST


Here's some unsolicited advice from a guy on how to handle that situation.

Just because you feel that you currently lack the moxie to approach the guy, all is not lost! All you have to do is to apply some ingenuity.

Do you know anybody, male or female, who knows him? If you do, and you feel that they are somebody you can trust (at least to a limited degree), you can try to enlist them to be a co-conspirator in your quest to meet the guy. Be upfront with that person as to what you want to do. To entice them to help you, ask them to lunch, telling them there's a small favor you want to ask of them, and you'd feel more comfortable discussing it over lunch.

By soliciting their help and treating them to a meal, you are likely to get their assistance. Try to figure out a way so that you can meet your co-conspirator at a place and time when the object of your desires will likely be present. All you have to do is to get your co-conspirator to introduce you to the guy you want to meet and then your cohort can leave. That isn't asking too much from them, and they will probably do it for you, if for no other reason because then you'll owe them a big favor.

Don't know anybody that knows him? Well, that complicates things, but don't give up hope yet. If there is a female about your age that works with him that looks at all approachable, try to see if she wouldn't help you. It is a bit risky because she may have that guy in her sights too. A lower-risk proposition would be to try to get to know her first before you lay out your plans.

If that guy is a professional, is there any way you can manufacture some reason to ask him a question relating to his line of work? You can say that you are doing it as a favor for a friend. He may see right through you, but that isn't all bad. While I can't speak for all men, if there is a woman that I'm at all interested in that takes the time to come up with a creative way to meet me, that scores major points in my book.

All males, no matter how great their looks and personality may be, get shut down from time to time. I have female friends that have rebuffed hunks just because they don't think that they deserved that guy (which may just be a different way of saying that they didn't think the guy's interest in them was genuine).

I doubt that few males have such a thick skin that being rejected doesn't bother them at some level to some degree. So for a woman to take on the risk of being rejected by asking you out or even just starting a conversation is a very meaningful compliment to the guy. Besides taking the risk of rejection off of him, he knows that the woman is really interested in him, and if they go out on a date, it isn't just because she didn't have anything better to do that night.

I've discussed this with many of my male friends and very few of them get turned off by a woman who makes the first contact, and most are turned on by it. It certainly trips my trigger. And the males that it does turn off, they are probably not guys that you would want to date anyways. This way you find out immediately something very important about him, which you might not discover for several dates if you waited for him to approach you.

From my perspective, women have very little to lose and a lot to gain by simply making the first contact. You don't have to ask him out or do anything other than simply initiate a conversation.

It may help you if you don't have any goals when you initiate the conversation, other than to simply have a brief but pleasant conversation with a new person. If you keep your goal small, it is much less likely to seem intimidating. If you look at it from that perspective, you may realize that you have it within you already to initiate a short conversation with him without using any of the helper aids I mentioned above.

I hope this is helpful for you and that I didn't turn you off by providing advice that you didn't request. One of the reasons why I did this is because I think that there would be a lot more people in relationships if women could start approaching men as much as men approach women. It would almost double everybody's chances of meeting the person that they want. Isn't that a worthwhile goal?

Reading this over, I realize that it sounds like I'm a professional dating coach, but I'm not. (Although I could probably use the services of one.) But this is a topic that I've thought about a lot, and I often encourage women to take the initiative because most times you'll get a positive response.

Even if you don't end up dating the guy, you may become buddies with him, and eventually meet his friends. If he likes you as a friend, he will be inclined to try to hook you up with his single friends. You might be even more attracted to his friends than you are to him. I've seen that happen before.

Best of luck.

Girls…what do you think? Have you the nerve to take this poster’s advice?

And guys…how would you react if approached by a woman in this way?

Married Men and Why They Love Me

First, welcome to my blog. So...here's what happened last night. I go to see a band at a local live music venue with Kathy, one of my best friends. We've known each other since we were about 12, and have remained fast friends since then. Kathy’s not what I would call my usual partner in going-out crime (i.e. looking to meet men), as although she has a male roommate, the official story is that he is her ex-boyfriend. And while I would like to believe her (and for the most part I do), there's that nagging little elf inside my head that keeps me wondering what's really going on there.

Anyhoo, since I'm currently busting my butt bartending, I don't get out much these days, so when I do, I like to make the most of it. I like to dress nice and look my best by always wearing makeup, showing off my not-39-year-old-looking figure, and flaunting my long, blonde, wavy hair (probably my best feature aside from my smile). It's not long before we catch the attention of a group of guys at the bar directly back from the stage. Several of them are not really our type--a bit pudgy, older smokers with unflattering facial hair--but they are nice, so we chat with them about the band and whatnot. Soon, the oldest one buys us drinks, so we join their little party. Turns out three of them are brothers, and what do you know, one of them is more my type and is friendly, cute, and seems interested in me. In fact, Kathy couldn't stop saying, "Lori, he's so cute, and he really seems into you!" I said, "Did you see a wedding ring?" She said, "No, I didn't! None of them are wearing one."

And it seemed she was right...Tim was very chatty and actually looked me in the eyes when he talked to me (not around me or behind me for a better deal, as many men unfortunately do), and for the bulk of the evening, Kathy and I socialized with them. It turns out Tim is a cop in my county (works for the Sheriff's office), and he works security on weekends at one of my favorite shore bars. He said, "I hope you'll stop down and see me this weekend," and I even gave him my number. He was also a little touchy here and there, but nothing rude and nothing lingering.

During the course of the evening, he mentioned "my daughter" here and "my kids" there. No big deal; when you're in your late 30s, if you limit yourself to only dating people without kids, you're going to find yourself very much alone. My most recent ex had a daughter, so that doesn't bother me. However, towards the end of the show, Tim asked me a question and I said, "Oh, I'll tell you all about it on our first date." I noticed he sort of stopped in his tracks for a split second, and suddenly it occurred to me to come out and ask him, "Are you married?" To which he replied, in a very direct and no-nonsense fashion, "Yes." At that, my smile devolved into a hard, cold glare, so I grabbed my drink, flipped him the bird, got right into his face and said, between clenched teeth, "Don't you even THINK of calling me! Lose my number...NOW!" And I scooped up Kathy and stomped off.

This wouldn't have been that big of a deal -- after all, I didn't have anything invested in the jerk at this point -- except that married men lately seem to be gravitating toward me with the regularity of my weekly paychecks, and I don't know how to stop it. The trend seems to have started last December, when Jake, my buddy from high school, confessed he's had "feelings" for me since way back then. While it is always flattering to hear such a thing, Jake's been happily married since 1987. More recently, I dated Dan, a musician who led me to believe he was divorced, but when I pressed him, he admitted he was only "separated." My reply to that was, "Thanks, Dan, but I'm not in the habit of dating men with wives." Then there is Jimmy, a grade-school crush of mine who's now a state trooper (hmmm this could be a story for another time…”Are all cops cheats?"). I bumped into him recently at a wake, and since then, he's been shamelessly flirting with me via email, wanting me to join him at the local nude beach or at least have "a beer or ten" with him. Never mind that Jimmy also claims to be happily married: “16 years and very happy. I email a pretty good game though.” WTF?!?

There is also Alan, who is an attorney by day and owns a local live music venue by night. Alan and I used to work at the same restaurant back in 1988, when he was a bartender and I was a waitress, and I had a crush on him way back then, and he admits today that he did too, but we never acted on it. Well, now it's too late because Alan's married with two young children. Alan claims that, while his wife is very hot (I've seen her, and she is), she's not giving him sex and he's very unhappy, but is going to remain married "for the children." I told him my opinion on that (ridiculous), but meanwhile, every time I see Alan, he hints to me that he'd like to see me with, um, fewer clothes on.

My question to you: are all married men dirty dogs like this bunch? And, what did I do to encourage this? Or better yet, what can I do to discourage this?