Hi, I'm Married. Can I Call You Sometime?

I am hoping this blog doesn't turn into "How To Attract a Married Man 101,” but that’s what seems to be happening recently. The latest entry in the race to cheat on his wife comes in the form of a guy named Joe who’s a frequent guest at the restaurant where I am tending bar for the moment, until I a) write that book I keep talking about and make millions, or b) secure yet another “real job” doing marketing, which is what I’ve been trained to do, and what, in theory, constitutes my "career" (hahahahahaha that's a good one!).

There’s a bit of a backstory behind Joe. Although I'd never met him prior to 10 days ago, I’d heard of him before. Roughly five years ago, when I was living in Colorado, my friend Kim emailed me about this single guy Joe she wanted to introduce me to next time I was in Jersey. She raved about him…said he was a power boater (like her husband Danny), tall and good looking, and oh yeah, he owned a successful construction business. In other words, he has everything a woman could want (well, according to Kim).

Long story short, that meeting never panned out, but fast-forward five years, and here I am working in a restaurant located in the same Jersey Shore town as the construction business. I’m stationed at the outside beach bar, and there’s a large party of about 15 people downing cocktails like nobody’s business, ring-led by a tall bald guy with glasses. He’s a little loaded himself, but friendly and a decent tipper.

We get to chatting, and it turns out he’s Joe Of The Construction Company, so of course I had to tell him the story about how we “almost met.” He thought it was amusing, and I said, “So, are you still single?” And he said, “Nope, sorry to say…too bad we didn’t meet back then.” I said, “Oh well, story of my life.” He went on to talk about how he got married one year ago this month and is excitedly awaiting the birth of his first baby this Christmas Day.

It turns out that Joe comes into my bar quite often, so over my next few shifts I see him here and there, and he’s always very friendly and nice. Tonight was no exception. I passed by him at the hostess stand and shouted a quick hello, and he stopped me, took my hand and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, a common greeting here in NJ even if you don’t know the person too well or if you’re just casually acquainted.

Later, I bumped into him near the inside bar, and I made some small talk about when he and his wife will find out their baby's gender. I guess he quickly grew bored of that topic, as he switched gears entirely and asked, “So…can I have your cell phone number?” I glared at him and said, “Surely you’re joking. What are you talking about?” He just winked at me in response, and I said in a rather appalled tone, “Oh, Jeez, you too? You’re the second married man to hit on me this week!” and walked away in disgust.

So here’s yet another quality married guy. He not only has the nerve to request my phone number, but he does it WHILE HIS WIFE IS IN THE OTHER ROOM! Who, by the way, is PREGNANT! Again, I just have to ask…WTF?!?!?

This happens much too often for it to be me. Not only that, but I wasn’t exactly looking hot and sexy with my bartender golf shirt, khaki shorts, hair back in a bun, and makeup melting off my face.

Guys, I have to know…is it simply the thrill of the chase that instigates this kind of behavior in married men? Did he suddenly freak out one day and go, “Oh my God, I only get to stick my dick into one woman for the rest of my life…red alert! Battle stations! MUST. FIND. ANOTHER. WILLING. PUSSY. NOW.”

I’ve really gotta know. Answers, anyone?